[Fushigi Yuugi] FROM THE ASHES (2/5) by Antigone ::slowly flickes on her lighter and holds it up to the ice, which beings melting:: It's less messy than 'breaking' the ice. ::sighs:: I still wake up crying every morning, but manage to get through my day all right. My beta finished this part (at my constant prodding ^^;;) and so here it is. I offer it up in the spirit of normalcy -- or the attempt at normalcy. Hell, I'm good at fooling myself. You can find this and part 1/5 at: http://www.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=story-read&storyid=400010 On topic of this story: I played with some things that Yuu Watase may have mentioned another way. You'll see what I mean. But, this what I always perceived happening, especially with the entrance exam scores. Please enjoy my small offering of a fic. Feedback onegaishimasu! Thanks goes to to my beta Lelu. From the Ashes A Yui Fanfic Part 2/5 Miaka. By Antigone Facing Miaka was one of the hardest things I had to do, and after what I had been through, that was saying a lot. Dressed in my spare school uniform, pressed and almost new, I knocked on her door that morning. I had wanted to scream and burn the brown fabric before letting it touch my skin. But soon I would be in high school, wear new clothes. Perhaps then I'll grow out my hair, really make a new start. And I want Miaka there, I know that for sure. "Yuuki-san, good morning!" I said when Miaka's mother opened the door, and she smiled to see me. "Why, hello, Yui! Here to walk Miaka to school? I'll see if she's ready." Miaka wasn't ready, but when she heard her mother say I was here, she dropped what she was doing (literally, I heard the crash) and flew into the living room, shirt untucked, and her hair still down around her shoulders. She stopped a few feet in front of me, and for a long moment just looked at me, expressionless. My heart pounded. Please, Miaka, please forgive me… Her lower lip trembled ever-so-slightly, and her large green eyes slowly began to fill with tears. "Miaka," I whispered, so softly I could hardly hear myself. A hesitation… and then, "Yui-chan!" She threw herself at me (typical Miaka), and I almost fell over, my book bag crashing to the floor. For a girl that should have been weak from merging with a god, she had amazing strength as she hugged me, her arms tightening around my sore body. But I didn't cringe away from her. Never again will I fail to return her hug. "You are okay, I'm so glad you are okay." "Hai," I murmured, putting a comforting hand on her shuddering shoulder. "It's okay, Miaka. It's really okay." Yuuki-san was giving us a strange look, and I smiled, my eyes clearing. "Mou," I said, pulling away slightly, "you'll make us late." Sniffling, she looked up at me, uncertainly. I smiled. "You always make me late, baka." And in her eyes I see it. The relief, the joy. "Yui-chan…" So, it's not everything. But this is a start. We still have a lot to work out and we both know it. I have a lot to get over. But she has her best friend back. And so do I. As we left, I heard her mother ask Keisuke if Miaka and I had had a fight or something. The poor boy choked on his coffee, and said, yeah, something like that. I heard Yuuki-san sigh and comment, "They never could stay mad at each other, could they?" Oh, if she only knew… It was a little strange, a little difficult, getting back into the schedule of our everyday lives. It was easier for me than for Miaka, I think, since she had made so many more emotional attachments in that world than I had. I had more to forget, and she had more to remember. The constant stress of the Exams from Hell loomed on the horizon and we all focused so much on them that other aspects of our lives could be put on hold. There was less gossip in the cafeteria, so not many people speculated about the ring on Miaka's finger. There was less flirting in the halls, so I didn't have to avoid unwanted male attention. There was less time for me to reflect, for Miaka to grieve. We didn't even see each other much, actually. She worked very hard, though, studied with a lot of focus. When I mentioned I was proud of her, she smiled sheepishly and admitted she sometimes imagined that her seishi were watching her. Watching her work so hard, so they'd watch her get into Jonan. When she said that, I let my eyes drift to the blue sky and wondered if my seishi ever watched me. If Suboshi knew Miaka was again the most important person to me, if Nakago knew I still wore his earring. If they knew I'd never forget. If they knew I wouldn't even try to. Then, in a day that went by in a second, a flash of lightening, the exams were over. Snow fell from the sky, lightly blanketing the city, even though it should be getting warmer soon. Miaka opened her mouth to catch the flakes, giggling. I noticed, though, that her eyes were wistful. I followed behind her, the calm reason to her flightiness. "They are over," she was saying. "Finally, all over!" "Well, we still have to find out if we got in," I pointed out. "Thanks for reminding me, Yui-chan." "Are you nervous?" I asked, and we being to walk in step. "A little," Miaka admitted, "since I want to go to the same high school as you." I glanced at her from the corner of my eye. She was looking straight ahead, her spinning the ring on her finger around and around. "I mean, it's a promise right?" She smiled at me, so cheerfully, and I realized I couldn't make myself smile back. And that's when it started, really started to hit me. Every memory surfaced clearly. I had little studies to drown in, and Miaka… well, after a few days of post-exam time with her, and I wanted to grab her thin shoulders and shake the genki-ness completely out of her. I wanted her to admit what she felt, to cry with me instead of hiding from me, to stop thinking those fake smiles were working on me. It was so obvious now, and I didn't want her to smile at me, to giggle like an idiot, to pretend that none of this ever happened. I was never good at pretending. But she was. Even if the pretending was painfully obvious. "Yui-chan?" Miaka turned to look at me as we started our walk home from school one day. "Miaka, are we okay?" I met her eyes, her confused look, "really okay?" "What do you mean?" She smiled and reached for my hand again, and I pulled away. "Dammit Miaka!" She blinked. "Stop pretending!" I took a step back, back and flung out my arms to her. "Yell at me! Accuse me! Hit me! Something! Don't ignore what happened, and what I did." I lowered my voice and took her hands, "I know you went through some horrible things, too. We can't heal if we can't talk about it, Miaka. You promised you'd get mad at me, so get mad! You lost the man you love forever, so cry about that! Just, please, tell me how you really feel." I took a deep breath, hugging my arms to myself, watching her for her reaction. Her initial shock had faded into a quiet acceptance. Like she knew this was coming. "I love you Hongo Yui," Miaka began softly, "you are my best friend. And I never stopped loving you, not for a second. I guess it just really hurts to think that you stopped loving me. Even just for a little bit." I couldn't speak as she walked away, but she gave me a small smile before walking away. "Good luck with your exam scores, Yui-chan." Well, I did have good luck. I had great luck, and she failed. I expected this last year, expected I would do better than her. Back then I relied on the fact I always did better. Boys liked me, teachers enjoyed having me in their class. I was admired, I was well-liked. I was admired. I was well-liked. Miaka had always been social, outgoing as she is, but I knew one thing: Most of the friends I had (no, all of the friends I had), were made through her. I guess I found out what I was really like, without her. When I didn't have the comfort of always being the 'better' of the two in our friendship. I counted on her admiration of me to make me feel wanted, when I felt I lost that, that I wasn't the most important, perfect person in her life, it didn't matter if she loved me. If she cared about me. Because, dammit, our friendship wasn't about that. It didn't work that way. At the time, I thought that if the little bitch didn't even come back for me… didn't take care of me the way everyone just wanted to take care of her… But I never did stop loving her. Eventually I told her that, when she found out she failed to get into Jonan and ran to my apartment at nine o'clock at night, sobbing her eyes out. "I failed," she had said, hiccupping in my arms as my mother hurried to make her some tea. "I failed and now we can't go to the same school, I'm so sorry Yui, I'm so sorry." I swallowed. Hard. "Miaka-" "And you'll go to Jonan and meet other people, and you'll leave me too, and I'll be all alone because Mom is getting married and Keisuke's moving away, and Tamahome left me, and I can't even pass a stupid exam…" "Miaka!" I took her shoulders in my hands and forced her to look up at me, "Miaka, it's alright." I took a deep breath. "I failed it, too." She gaped at me. "You?!" I laughed softly. "Yeah, looks like we'll both be going to our second choice. After all, I gotta take care of you, right?" I winked. "You need it." She smiled shakily, unsure if she should be happy that I failed, but undeniably relieved we'd be together in school. "Oh, and, Miaka?" "Yeah?" "I love you," I kissed her cheek, something I hadn't done since we were very young children, something as innocent and pure as it was then. "I never stopped." There are some things she will never know, like the crumbled Jonan acceptance letter in my trash can. Things she doesn't need to know, because she wouldn't understand. Like how I can love so much it twists itself into loathing and obsession. How I need to separate my feelings for this girl into something I can comprehend without it scaring me. How there is a side of myself I found that makes me terrified, but also powerful. A side I don't regret finding, even though I should. Only people just like me can understand this. And Miaka is nothing like me. TBC in part three: Tetsuya